Setting Healthy Boundaries for Living the Life You Love
Just because you announced your boundaries to yourself and others, and cannot see it but yet know intuitively that someone or something has overstepped them, it has the same effect as if someone walked into your home unannounced, with muddy shoes on and dirtied your carpet…and keeps doing it. Do you like this? Of couse not! Does it bother you? Absolutely!!!
So what would you do?
When someone or something; and it could simply be your own assumptive thoughts or an uncomfortable feeling you have when self belief or someone else’s behavior affects your state of well-being…
… You need to act as soon as possible!
One of the best techniques to get back to a peaceful place; mentally, emotionally and spiritually is to get in touch with the problem and your emotional response to it.
1.) Define your expectations and identify what is it about the situation that is really bothering you (perception).
The key here is to be honest. Do not minimize or lie about what is happening. We far too often believe many of the lies we tell our self, or live by beliefs that no longer serve us. Such as “I can’t”, or they/I “should/shouldn’t”, for example.
Ponder for a moment on the issue of the obesity problem in the U.S. It’s not what a person is eating that’s the biggest problem with peoples weight issues, it’s what’s eating them!
Exercise for Shifting Thoughts
Physically say or write down what you’re feeling and understand that it is your perceived truth. That does not mean it is reality. Bring your thoughts and feelings into this time and place.
When I think about this thought/issue/person, I feel ____________________________ (emotion).
Example; Drained of energy, uncomfortable; anxious, sad, mad, angry, frustrated, hurt, offended, confused, put down, not respected/appreciated.
Ask yourself where this thought pattern is coming from (a value/belief) and what it is about the situation/person that appears to be overstepping your boundaries.
I believe that (I) people should ________________, and when a person ___________, it makes me feel __________________.
Identify the outcome that you want and why that is important.
I want _____________________, because ___________________________.
Then ask yourself, “What can I do, now that I know how my interpretation of the situation is affecting my emotions.
The first action I can take right now to improve my situation is ______________.
So often we accept the behavior that negatively affects us in two primary ways:
- Our own self-sabotaging words and thoughts: (I can’t, what’s wrong with me, why does that keep happening to me, I’ll never, I don’t deserve).
- Dismiss the actions of others: Fearing conflict, doubting your worthy of respect or to be treated better, insecurities; distrusting that you deserve what you want, not wanting to disappoint others, having a deep desire to be a people pleaser even when you’ve learned that you can never do enough to completely please certain people and trying leaves you feeling emotionally drained. And when you try to help fix the problem people have, they keep complaining about their problems, yet do nothing to change the situation.
Before you can ever change a situation, it is essential that you manage your emotions and bring yourself back to a place of confident peace where you can make wise decisions.
It is your responsibility to tell the inner thoughts that become destructive to your well-being to “Get the h— out of here!” Only you have the power to allow or disallow those thoughts and feelings to continue and affect your state of happiness and emotional health which is in direct proportion to physical health.
Take the pervious example of someone barging into your home unannounced, just doing whatever their little heart desires without even thinking that you might not be dressed. You know what you expect; for them to knock on the door first and if you don’t answer in a couple minutes, come in and considerately call out…is anyone home? Can I come it the house? It is your responsibility to tell them what your expectation is. It is a part of life to work situations out. They come back and explain their position. You might be able to accept it, feel comfortable, or you might not and will have to decide what you are going to do when your boundaries are broken.
2.) Know who you are! Acknowledge your strengths and accept people’s weaknesses and differences, and especially your own.
Albert Einstein once said, “If you raise a fish all its life thinking it’s a bird, it will sadly spend its entire life trying to fly.” We do that to our self and others all the time. We expect friends, our spouse, family, and co-workers to be someone that they aren’t, and be skilled in areas that they’re not. We even do it to our self. We need to STOP IT!
Be patient with others. We all have bad days. We all are products of our “programming”. Instead of being mad at someone who is not measuring up, feel sorry for their lack of skill, intelligence, or common sense to do something differently. If a person is repeatedly lazy, irresponsible, reactive, short tempered for example, and it is adversely affecting your life, call them on it. Let them know what behavior is unacceptable to you and what you will do if it does not change. If it keeps up, know what you plan to do and do it. You might have to end a relationship, take on a new job, stop enabling and covering for other peoples poor choices and let them sink-stop helping.
Take a break. Walking away does not mean you’re accepting unacceptable behavior. Far from it! Take time to calm down and assess the situation. Just the other day I had a client who was tremendously upset about the actions of another person. She felt accused, unappreciated, and it caused excessive stress and muscle tension, bad feelings, and feeling personally offended. In hypnosis I had her look at the situation differently. It didn’t change the situation, it change everything about how she looked at it and in turn how she felt. She left regaining her self-respect, peace of mind, and ability to face that person again, who by the way is a family member.
3. Problems subside when you can simply trust that you will thrive.
Within every human being resides a dormant, untapped and extraordinary potential to live an extraordinary life of continual expansion and appreciation of life. This liberating truth opens your mind to the ability you possess to shift your energy and step into the higher plain where you find faith; an ability to see past your circumstances, and trust that in time you will realize your goals and dreams.
How do you know for sure that everything will work out? Well looking back on your life I believe I would see that you chose superbly. You’ve had several successes. You learned to care for yourself, you likely learned to walk, to talk, to drive and so many other much larger successes. And though you may not see it yet, you’ve already conjured up the courage necessary to conquer challenges, faced the fears you had to face, braved the storms of struggles, fought the battles to break-through barriers, learned the skills necessary to succeed, and exceeded so many of the expectations you ever had. You already possess the potential to rise above adversity and have to this point achieved numerous life-altering goals. You’re amazing! And of course you contain far more potential than you’re even consciously aware of.
It just tickles me silly to think about how far you’ve come. Yah YOU! Yahoo!!!
Now seriously, I hope you don’t believe a word I’ve said so far. I encourage you to research, experience and discover for yourself the truths I teach and realize first hand there effectiveness. You might think this is not for you and that’s just fine. I don’t know your needs, wants and deep inner desires to the extent you do. And how can I know with certainty what actions will enable you to realize the life you want to create most effectively. We’re all on a journey and each of us follows a uniquely different pathway. My favorite choice for you would be that you’ll find some of the top tips and tools I teach to make your life better, richer, more rewarding right away. Seek to pull from the whole that which moved you most, not striving to do it all. Start with what is most significant to you. Those golden nuggets will be all you need to rise up to a higher level of living in no time.
Now remember the advice from Albert Einstein…You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.
Every problem you’ll ever face can be solved by shaping a new perspective. And most often this perspective is found in the recesses of your subconscious mind. So take time to meditate, learn self-hypnosis, and if or when you’re unable to find positive resolve on your own, hire a coach or hypnotherapist to help you rewire your neuro pathways and see your situation from a fresh perspective.
This article was written by Mind Mastery Expert and Personal Development Guru Lori Bestler. She is a Strategic Mind Coach, Award Winning Motivational Speaker, and founder and owner of the MindScapes Unlimited Mind Coaching Center.
Lori Bestler has helped to quickly transform thousands of individual’s lives through her Strategic Mind System of Success and Rapid Results Coaching Program, Rapid Results Mind Power Audio Series and speaking engagements. She specializes in working with high level entrepreneurs and independent business professionals with busy minds. Most Lori’s clients want to take control of their life, possibly feeling overwhelmed, unfocused and stressed out. She helps clients overcome barriers in thought patterns, limiting beliefs and behavior resulting in improving their business, relationships, health and state of wellbeing. Ms. Bestler runs a private coaching and hypnotherapy practice in Lino Lakes MN, assisting clients in the Minneapolis, St. Paul and surrounding Twin Cities Metropolitan Areas, as well as all over the U.S.
For a no cost consultation contact Lori at www.mindscapesunlimited.com . And please join our email list for a FREE “Be Revived and Energized 10 minute MP3 download and Monthly Newsletter.
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Lori Bestler is a nationally recognized Mind Empowerment Coach, Award Winning Motivational Speaker, Corporate Trainer, and Self Help Recording Artist with Mindscapes Unlimited.
Lori has helped to transform thousands of men and women’s lives through her Strategic Mind System of Success, Rapid Results Coaching Program and Audios, Retreats, Seminars and Speaking engagements. She specializes in working with high level entrepreneurs and independent business professionals with busy minds as well as empathic and high sensory individuals. Lori helps clients overcome barriers in thought patterns, limiting beliefs and behavior which can lead to issues such as stress, anxiety, negative thinking, and weight problems, lack of focus and follow-through, and procrastination. Clients experience results in areas such as financial success, improved relationships, confidence, high self-esteem, stress reduction, behavior change, better health, and greater fulfillment in life. Ms. Bestler runs a private coaching and hypnotherapy practice in Anoka, MN, assisting clients in the Minneapolis, St. Paul and surrounding Twin Cities Metropolitan Areas, as well as all over the U.S.
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